Fergus Cassidy

Man bytes dog

IT'S hard to know whether dog whistles are used any more. The high-frequency sound is inaudible to humans but dogs apparently hate it and will run away as fast as they can.

Which is probably where a Welsh inventor got the inspiration to create a device he calls the Mosquito. It too uses ultrasonic sound to create an uncomfortable noise. Mosquito, though, is not aimed at dogs but another group which likes to hang around in packs - teenagers.

Already there are claims that the device has driven teenagers from hanging around a grocery store in Merthyr Tydfil, home town of inventor Howard Stapleton.

He said he was getting "pats on the back" for his innovative idea. Mosquito emits a sound that can "be heard by children and teenagers but almost no one over 30", he explained. Like Top of the Pops, I suppose.

This is revenge by the adults, many of whom have historically considered teenage music as mere noise. With Mosquito, the adults are sticking it right back at them.

It all seems a bit over the top really. Instead of ultrasonic noise blasting away in front of some shopping centre, why not let rip with Rod Stewart, Chris de Burgh or Bucks Fizz? Throw up Nationwide or the Late Late Show on to the giant television screens and the job is done.

Anyway, who needs dog whistles any more when a phone will soon be available for pampered pooches. Next March, what's being hailed as the first cell phone for dogs will be ready to go.

The PetCell is a bone-shaped phone that hangs from a dog's collar. It works with standard mobile networks and has its own number. The owner can dial up, activate an automatic answering button and instruct Lassie to come home. And don't forget the newspaper.

Costing between $350-$400, the PetCell is equipped with the Global Positioning Satellite system which can track carefree canines. It will also show if the dog is too hot or too cold and it can support a small wireless camera. The phone also has a 'call owner' button in case the dog gets lost.

"Hello, I found your dog".
"Oh that's great, is he alright?
"Yeh, but I wish I could say the same for my arm".

The man behind PetCell was inspired after he witnessed a colleague's phone conversation. "I overheard him talking to his dogs", said Cameron Robb, president of PetsMobility. "I was mimicking and making fun of it, but the reality was his wife was holding the phone down to the dog".

Then again, if a dog has been elected mayor, he's going to need a mobile phone. In 1998 Goofy raised $9,000 in a 'one vote, one dollar' election campaign and became mayor of Rabbit Hash in Kentucky. A documentary, Rabbit Hash: The Centre of the Universe, was made about Goofy and it screened at the Pennsylvania Film Festival.

Other animals have also been successful in politics. Besides the comrades in 'Animal Farm', Opie the goat was named honourary mayor of Anza in California, after he raised more money than the other candidates. Opie followers have strong beliefs: "He stands for why so many people moved out here", said one resident. "We don't want some human sitting on a throne".

The town of Florissant in Colorado elected a donkey named Birdie in a charity ballot to fund the area's historical society. Its president was adamant about Birdie's symbolic stand. "We decided to have a little truth in politics. We would only have jackasses run".

Hard to argue with that, especially in light of what humans are sometimes capable of producing.

As with the announcement by Tesco in London last week that it was launching a "musician sandwich" in time for the Christmas market. The turkey or pork with cranberry sauce sandwiches are fitted with the same technology found in singing greeting cards. When opened, a medley of tunes plays, including Jingle Bells and We Wish You A Merry Christmas.

A Tesco spokesman explained that the sandwiches were "designed to provide busy office workers with relaxing music to make eating lunch at their desks more enjoyable than ever before".

Relaxing? More enjoyable?? Give me a break.

Any day.