Fergus Cassidy

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Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbour's

WRITING a newspaper column means Fintan O'Toole and I are neighbours of a kind. Unfortunately for me, we don't live in the same neighbourhood. Not even the same city.

That's not what made me break the 10th Commandment though. Fintan got a broadband connection to the internet last week. I'm fairly sure he doesn't have an ox or an ass but as someone who's stuck with a tortoise telephone line to the internet, I'm consumed by covetousness for his connections. In more ways than one.

Fintan had spent more than a year trying to get broadband and was having as much luck as a new play in the Abbey.

In some of his columns over the last six weeks he wrote of his own saga in the comedy of errors that is broadband in Ireland. "I first subscribed over a year ago", he wrote on 31 August. "I have in fact subscribed three times. I have been sold the service by cold-calling salespeople and by door-to-door marketing".

Nothing stirring, so after making enquiries to Eircom Fintan was eventually told that 'there was no record of my having subscribed".

Then "the whole rigmarole started again. This time I got a date for installation. A few days before the date, Eircom called to say that my area was in fact not eligible for broadband".

He wrote that the reason he was given was either he was "too far from the exchange or because the quality of the line is too poor". When he asked which one was it, "Um, we don't know" came the response.

Included in this drama were two appointments to call to his house, both occasions producing a no-show from Eircom and ditto for an explanation or apology. So he wrote in his column about it and didn't hold back.

"The point of all of this, beyond the pleasures of whingeing about yet another dismal experience of customer service in Ireland, is that broadband is supposedly a major national priority.

"The government has a special website extolling the virtues of this new technology urging citizens to embrace its advantages".

The ink in the Irish Times edition containing Fintan's tale of woe was barely dry when he got a call which lead to a happy ending. A call which far too few get to answer.

"By 10am... Eircom were on the phone and by 1pm my broadband connection was up and running. ...All the months of screaming into a void, all the torment of unreturned phone calls, broken appointments and hollow cackling at the ads urging you to get broadband will be over."

For taking up the issue of broadband Fintan deserves applause. But for letting us know with such transparency how he managed to get it into his home, a standing ovation is in order. He could have kept shtuum and he didn't.

In writing about it, he has revealed much about Eircom's real priorities. A national newspaper columnist can't get broadband and phones start hopping. If some of his readers try, they can whistle Dixie. Or Greensleeves.

With a tongue-filled cheek Fintan had words to the wise in his column last week: "For those who are being driven demented in their quest for a broadband connection... all you have to do is write a column for a national newspaper".

And I covet his goods even more now. That was my masterplan, many years in the making and a banker for success.

I was planning on turning the rant volume about broadband up to 11. If it worked, Eircom would dispatch numerous vans and personnel to my house whereupon frantic work would commence with not a cup of tea or biscuit in sight. Just so I could rub it in.

With that in the bag, phase two could begin. Those who can't get broadband could let me know and for four bales of briquettes, a litre of milk, a batch loaf and a half pound of Ballymore Eustace sausages they could guest write Ethos.

But I've given up on getting broadband, no matter how many toys I throw out of my pram. Out here on the edge of the world, a stone's throw from Metropolis, we must wait in line like our ancestors. Areas with a population of less than 1500 would be better off asking Santa to upgrade their telephone exchanges to carry DSL.

We pay the same line rental charges as everyone else but we're ignored and find ourselves on the wrong side of a deepening digital divide.

In the past, operating under a Universal Service Obligation meant that anyone who wanted a telephone installed (eventually) got one - irrespective of where they lived. Now your address determines a lot about your connections - or lack of them.

Occupation counts too, as Fintan has revealed from his tenacious tilt at the broadband windmill.

Address and occupation.

Same as it ever was.